There are very important times to leave during an argument and important times to stay. Walking away (or threatening to) as a way to hurt the other person is selfish, immature, and detrimental to a relationship.
The most healthy way to leave a relationship is when you notice problems that could in the future drive you to leave. That time is when you discuss them, in a calm and serious way, that means, “If this continues/we can’t work this out/we can’t change this, then I can’t see myself staying/or I won’t stay in this kind of relationship.” Then if things get worse, in spite of several more of these kinds of conversations, you leave.
Many times leaving is the healthier choice to make in an argument. However, you leave in a way that doesn’t abandon the person or the argument. Once you see you’re getting upset enough to say or do something you’ll later regret, you immediately call a time out. You tell the other person you need to cool down and then state when you’ll return to the discussion. “I need an hour to cool down and think about this.” Or, “I’m too frustrated to talk about this anymore right now. However, I do want to continue this discussion when I’ve had a chance to think about the problem/issue/my feelings/my response. Let’s talk again tomorrow night.”
The promise to resume the conversation must be kept, or the other person will lose trust in you. It’s not uncommon for people to say, “Let’s talk about this later,” and then never bring up the issue. So in the beginning, your partner might not trust you will return. You’ll have to prove you will by your action of returning to the conversation when you promised to do so.”
You might need to repeat the leaving and returning several times before you finally work out the issue or decide that you cannot, in which case you have a bigger choice, such as going to therapy or leaving the relationship.
The other time to leave an argument is if the other person starts to cross respectful boundaries in how he or she is communicating — raised voice, profanity, name calling, saying something to hurt. At such times, you set a boundary and disengage. For example, “You’re calling me names and that’s unexceptable. I’m getting off the phone. Call me tomorrow night after work when you’re willing to discuss this issue in a respectful manner.” Then turn off your phone and delete (without listening or reading) any messages or texts, which don’t start out with some kind of apology or acknowledgement of the problem.
Debra Holland, M.S., Ph.D
